The image above may elicit tee hees and ha has, but the only ones getting fucked are the Key West locals, namely those in the service industry. The real locals. The ones who live here 12 months out of the year. The ones who vote here. The ones who are homesteaded here.
We all understand that both tourists and snowbirds come with the territory and contribute to our financial well-being. I, and many others, moved here knowing that. It doesn’t give either group the right to come in with bad attitudes, condescension, entitlement, and figurative middle fingers in our faces. It is at this point that I “turn the program” over to my friend Kimberley, also known as Bitchin’Paradise. This article first appeared in KONK Life on November 14, 2013. Take it away, Kimberley!
Thank you, everyone, for giving me such inspiration that Part Two of my ongoing series came together in about ten minutes:
- I’ve gone over this numerous times, but obviously it needs repeating: if you are a tourist or a part-time resident, YOU ARE NOT A LOCAL. You are not entitled to a local’s discount. And I use the word entitled because that is how you act when you demand one. I’m sure the local government appreciates your contribution to the tax base, but if you are not here when things are slow, contributing to help store owners or servers pay rent and replace stolen bicycles,, you are not a local. Besides, a local discount is a COURTESY, and not all establishments offer one.
- The quickest way to identify yourself as a non-local is to walk into an establishment and loudly announce that you are a local and ask for a local’s discount. Locals don’t do that. And we are appreciative and thankful when we notice a locals discount discreetly subtracted from our check.
- When you go to a place that does offer a discount, or two-for-ones, or any other deal, you are supposed to tip on what the entire check was BEFORE your discount.
- Bartenders and servers are not mind-readers. Please don’t just ask, “What’s good?,” or for us to recommend something without giving us any idea of what you like or what you hate. We really do want your experience to be positive, but you’ve got to take some ownership.
- If you are cheap and/or obnoxious, don’t expect us to share recommendations of our actual favorite places to eat or drink. I’m not going to ruin my relationships with my favorite servers and bartenders by sending you in. In fact, I will steer you towards my list of least favorite places. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
- Please don’t sit your naked, painted ass down on any furniture in public. It’s just disgusting. Would you want someone to come into your home and sit their naked, painted asses at your kitchen table? And who do you think wants to clean up after that? Also, when do you think the last time the seat of that chair you’re sitting your naked, painted ass on has been disinfected? Yeah, probably never.
- I am happy to take your picture, but please don’t expect me to do it when I am two-deep at the bar.
- When you would like a refill on your drink, it is considered rude to extend your arm and hold out your empty glass, while glaring at the bartender. Simply ask for another of whatever you’re having.
- Ladies, (and I hate that it is mostly ladies who do this) if you and your friends are going to have a couple of rounds, just take turns paying, instead of insisting that you each pay for your own drink, by credit card, after each round. That’s really time consuming and inconsiderate of other customers who have to wait longer for their drinks because you are all worried you may have to spend $2 more than someone else did on the previous round.
- When the bartender says last call, it’s because it is time for them to do paperwork, clean up, and close up. It is not time to order a bottle of wine, or three drinks, so you can hang out for another hour and a half. That’s why god invented to-go cups.”
This is Prissy again. Trust me when I tell you that locals don’t hate tourists or snowbirds as a whole. We just ask you to respect us and our home. Thank you.